The Bachelorette Is Des

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Oh, sweet Jesus, here we are at another Bachelorette season. How does that happen so soon?

I think it’s really hilarious how they start the beginning of the season with such optimism. Like producers have been filling their heads with how they can go on Dancing with the Stars afterwards and make more money, so they are all bright and shiny at the beginning. So, too, with our lovely Desiree (aka “Des”).

Then, they realize the level of jackassery they have to put up with, and the smiles come off.

No mention is made, either, though it’s one big elephant in the room, of Des’ wild and crazy brother, who nearly punched Sean out last season, because he thought Sean was basically a slut for bedding all these women. Oh! the affront to Sean’s honor!

Little did Des’ brother know that Sean is either a virgin (if you believe the tabloids) or gay (if you believe his jokes during DWTS). Either way, he didn’t sleep with any of the lovely ladies, which, for me, makes for a damn boring season.

And it may repeat itself this season, since published reports indicate that Des is religious (no mention of this in the opening previews).

As for me, I like to come at each new Bachelorette season with optimisim, too. I like to believe there are romantics in this crowd, who really want to find love, not just their 15 minutes of fame.

I realize that, since it’s TV, everyone thinks they need to stand out, but seriously… One guy jumps out of the limo in a suit of armor. And genuinely thought that was a good idea. (He got eliminated the first night.)

Know what else isn’t a good idea? Creating a fake “Fantasy Suite” card, and handing it to someone when you first meet them. I’ve been known to be a pretty racy girl at times, but even I think that’s the height of douchebaggery. The guy continues to not get the hint, and tries to drag Des to a back bedroom, upon which she promptly has him escorted out.

“I’m not that kind of girl,” Des frumps. Who IS that kind of girl? Even the crazy girl in the wedding dress from last season, who got so drunk she was falling down, even she would have the sense to say: “I can’t have sex with you on the first episode!”

No, ladies and gentlemen, there is an order to these things. A protocol. A decorum.

For instance, call me old-fashioned, but when you are attending an event where you are being driven in a limo, and you know the woman you are meeting is going to be wearing a gown, you DO NOT wear tennis shoes. Of any kind. Nor, for that matter, do you wear a casual blazer with the comment: “I dress up all the time at work” (so I won’t here?). Nor do you pull off your tie midway through. “I hate these things.”

If it were me, all of those behaviors would get points off. A lady, you see, does judge one on one’s proper use of decorum and etiquette.

There was one gent who made his own tuxedo, and it was hideous. Letters-pasted-on hideous. Good grief.

Another moron, as bad as the knight, IMHO, had such a lack of class, he decided to show up SHIRTLESS. Some nonsense about showing off his abs. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he decides to strip down to his skivvies and jump in the pool (which, as anyone knows is even verboten at pool parties in LA).

“Hey, where’d everyone go?” the classless buffoon cries, as Des walks off with a gentleman still actually in the running. “Someone hand me a towel.” (I’m not making this up.)

So, if a Bachelor/Bachelorette producer says to you: “Go crazy. Do whatever you want.”—ignore them. Be the classy person you are (if you want to survive a few more episodes). (Astonishingly, Mr. Half-Naked was kept on. Des had to pin the rose on his pants, as he was sans lapel.) *eyeroll*

Interestingly, even though Des was madly in love with blond Sean, there are no blonds (or very many men of color) in his crowd. She did lop off quite a few wingnuts the first night, so we can be grateful for that. Still 19 of these sorry sacks to contend with. Joy!

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Image courtesy of ABC/The Bachelorette/Rick Rowell.

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