The Bachelorette Is Des

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Oh, sweet Jesus, here we are at another Bachelorette season. How does that happen so soon?

I think it’s really hilarious how they start the beginning of the season with such optimism. Like producers have been filling their heads with how they can go on Dancing with the Stars afterwards and make more money, so they are all bright and shiny at the beginning. So, too, with our lovely Desiree (aka “Des”).

Then, they realize the level of jackassery they have to put up with, and the smiles come off.

No mention is made, either, though it’s one big elephant in the room, of Des’ wild and crazy brother, who nearly punched Sean out last season, because he thought Sean was basically a slut for bedding all these women. Oh! the affront to Sean’s honor!

Little did Des’ brother know that Sean is either a virgin (if you believe the tabloids) or gay (if you believe his jokes during DWTS). Either way, he didn’t sleep with any of the lovely ladies, which, for me, makes for a damn boring season.

And it may repeat itself this season, since published reports indicate that Des is religious (no mention of this in the opening previews).

As for me, I like to come at each new Bachelorette season with optimisim, too. I like to believe there are romantics in this crowd, who really want to find love, not just their 15 minutes of fame.

I realize that, since it’s TV, everyone thinks they need to stand out, but seriously… One guy jumps out of the limo in a suit of armor. And genuinely thought that was a good idea. (He got eliminated the first night.)

Know what else isn’t a good idea? Creating a fake “Fantasy Suite” card, and handing it to someone when you first meet them. I’ve been known to be a pretty racy girl at times, but even I think that’s the height of douchebaggery. The guy continues to not get the hint, and tries to drag Des to a back bedroom, upon which she promptly has him escorted out.

“I’m not that kind of girl,” Des frumps. Who IS that kind of girl? Even the crazy girl in the wedding dress from last season, who got so drunk she was falling down, even she would have the sense to say: “I can’t have sex with you on the first episode!”

No, ladies and gentlemen, there is an order to these things. A protocol. A decorum.

For instance, call me old-fashioned, but when you are attending an event where you are being driven in a limo, and you know the woman you are meeting is going to be wearing a gown, you DO NOT wear tennis shoes. Of any kind. Nor, for that matter, do you wear a casual blazer with the comment: “I dress up all the time at work” (so I won’t here?). Nor do you pull off your tie midway through. “I hate these things.”

If it were me, all of those behaviors would get points off. A lady, you see, does judge one on one’s proper use of decorum and etiquette.

There was one gent who made his own tuxedo, and it was hideous. Letters-pasted-on hideous. Good grief.

Another moron, as bad as the knight, IMHO, had such a lack of class, he decided to show up SHIRTLESS. Some nonsense about showing off his abs. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he decides to strip down to his skivvies and jump in the pool (which, as anyone knows is even verboten at pool parties in LA).

“Hey, where’d everyone go?” the classless buffoon cries, as Des walks off with a gentleman still actually in the running. “Someone hand me a towel.” (I’m not making this up.)

So, if a Bachelor/Bachelorette producer says to you: “Go crazy. Do whatever you want.”—ignore them. Be the classy person you are (if you want to survive a few more episodes). (Astonishingly, Mr. Half-Naked was kept on. Des had to pin the rose on his pants, as he was sans lapel.) *eyeroll*

Interestingly, even though Des was madly in love with blond Sean, there are no blonds (or very many men of color) in his crowd. She did lop off quite a few wingnuts the first night, so we can be grateful for that. Still 19 of these sorry sacks to contend with. Joy!

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Image courtesy of ABC/The Bachelorette/Rick Rowell.

The Bachelor versus its brilliant parody, Burning Love

Ken Marino, winning a Streamy for Burning Love

Ken Marino, winning a Streamy for Burning Love

I don’t know why I do it. I know The Bachelor is ridiculous and silly, and still I continue to watch. Even after the fiasco disaster that was the Courtney and Ben season, I continue to watch.

And here we are now, at the winding down of hunkorama Sean (whom I personally don’t find attractive AT ALL)’s season. He’s deciding between Lindsay (the girl who came out of the limo in a wedding dress on the season opener) and Catherine.

He has just majorly dumped the woman who was declaring him her “soulmate” after knowing him for a month or two. Personally, I can’t wait for it to be over, and I don’t care who he picks at this point.

And still, I’m going to watch it till the bloody end. After all, next week is “Women Tell All” and we all get to commiserate about how much we (as a country) hate Tierra, so, why not?

Luckily for my sanity, a new show has appeared on the horizon: Burning Love.

They might not say this in promos, but it’s a Bachelor parody. And WHY THE HELL did it take so long to do a show like this?

I don’t know. I just know that Burning Love is here now to SAVE us. Dear God, is this show funny!!!!!

It started on the Web. It won a bunch of Streamy Awards recently, so E! brilliantly picked it up. It airs now after The Bachelor. Brilliant. A perfect antidote.

We have some of the familiar elements. Michael Ian Black is doing a fantastic Chris Harrison. Ken Marino (hot stud) is in the Bachelor role, hilarious and wonderful so far.

I almost wish they stayed really closer to exactly the Bachelor format. For example, there are 26 girls at the beginning. Burning Love had less. And they got rid of five on the first night.

Among the competing contestants, we had Noureen DeWulf as Titi (the breast-baring contestant); Natasha Leggero as Haley (the lower privates-baring contestant); Deanna Russo as the blind girl—strike that, the blind PHOTOGRAPHER (ha!); Beth Dover as the suicidal one; Kristen Bell as the one who’s found Jesus; Malin Akerman as Willow; the writer of the episode, Erica Oyama as Shera; and Ken Jeong as Ballerina.

Sadly, Ballerina is the first one kicked out, when “the girls vote.” Hilarious. And hilariously plays on the rumors that some Bachelors are actually gay.

“She was the only one I really vibed with,” says Marino’s character.

There is also an old lady (like 85 year old). They have to shout at her that she’s received “a hose.”

“If you do not receive a hose, you will be sent home.” Seriously, this stuff makes me laugh and laugh. The hose, of course, being very phallic looking. And, I suppose, supposed to be playing on the fact, you know, that he’s a fireman…

Blind girls, old ladies, guys dressed as women, girls showing their privates, girls who are too drunk, girls dressed in bear costumes. Typical Bachelor season.

Hilarious. I LOVE Burning Love.

Oh, and in a poignant twist in the first episode, the chick in the bear costume (who never took off her panda bear outfit), takes of her head in the limo, as she’s been sent packing. Turns out, she’s Jennifer Aniston.

See? You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, people. (Brilliant.)

I cannot bow down enough to Burning Love on E. (Follow them on Twitter at @BurningLoveonE.) Watch it Monday nights 10 pm. You’ll be so glad you did. ESPECIALLY if you have ever watched The Bachelor.

(I can’t wait till they get to the fantasy suite episodes!) (Also available online, if you just can’t wait.  They are filming their second season (a Bachelorette version) now.

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Podcast Reviews

Updating some podcasts that I’ve listened to since I last posted Podcast Reviews.

DIGGNATION

176. Sexy Couch Hologram

Sitting on Kevin’s “sexy couch” in SF. Examining polls. Kevin and Alex talk politics. Barack Obama just got elected. Kevin’s family is all Republicans. He’s the “black sheep.” CA gets a bullet train, from SF to SD. YAY! Kevin talks about taking the Chunnel bullet train. Alex is not into it. Kevin talks about being underwater for half an hour, but is more worried about the BART in SF, which also goes underwater. Alex is claustrophobic. They talked about the early days of the Internet. Being network admins on Novell. Searching for porn on FTP. “Computers aren’t special anymore,” Alex. Whether or not fixing computers is, as Kevin says, “an old person thing.” They want to build robots. Heidi Klum doing an ad for Guitar Hero. It would be better if she actually knew the words. CNN uses a hologram for its political reporting for the election. Kevin just got “Memento.” Some girl pours beer on her breasts to get her nipples hard. Ain’t it great to be a podcaster?

 177. Multiview Diggnation Remix!

Kevin gets glasses. When is the proper time to hit back if a girl’s hitting you. Kevin jokes about snipping off a girl’s nipple. Kevin saw a lot of fights in Vegas. Tyson Foods’ use of antibiotics in chicken. Finding money in a wall in a house. Kevin advises people to keep money that they find, don’t tell anyone. :-0 The “nutsac mode” on your camera. Kevin and Alex are officially geeks. Kevin: “I think spammers are worse than a drug dealer.” Kevin recommends a documentary about the font Helvetica. How to really enjoy cacao nibs. The art of crossbows.

View the remixed version at: www.revision3.com/remix

 178. TikiNation

They are at Alex’s house in LA, and Kevin rips into Alex about “losing his manhood” because his fiancee has placed potpourri there. People from TikiBar are here. Dr. Tiki smiles perfectly for the camera, when the Diggnation boys think he’s going to the bathroom. About having a good chair for your ass when you’re a gamer. A woman gets scammed for $400,000 from one of those email chain letters. Alex likes the Mountain themes in Gmail. Dr. Tiki starts manning the camera. (And he’s good.) Alex’s dog is really cute. So’s Lala, whom Dr. Tiki just panned to. Kevin and Alex both love Golden Girls. They talk about guys who “idolize Ron Jeremy.” Kevin thinks he’s “nasty.” Hanna Montana’s “gummy cocks.” “Midget kick boxing.” “LetMeGoogleThatForYou.” Dot com. First ever: “Technical Difficulties.” Glen is not there today… *sigh* Cool on location sponsors. Kevin and Glen are driving back to San Francisco from LA. Great segment. “Why do I wanna fuck that cat? It better be a girl cat.” –Alex How does one ask a girl out? Men and women have very different opinions. “Do you wanna play Oui?” “All of a sudden, it’s like… zip…” Then, a dream about monkeys crawling over someone. “How could you have that relationship? They’d throw poo at you.” –Alex

 179. Hangovers

Brought to you by “Uno Equis. When Dos Equis is a little too much beer.” Alex and his dog are both hungover. Kevin is, but less so. PC magazine shutting down its print edition. Which magazines Kevin and Alex read. Wired is very popular. They give a secret Twitter account and say they wanna do an episode about their favorite Twitter accounts. Alex’s dog is passed out next to him. They talk about the car company bailouts. Kevin wants cool tech in his car that updates automatically via Bluetooth. They have to leave early because, you know, Alex needs to throw up.

KEVIN POLLAK’S CHAT SHOW 

27, part 2. Paul F. Tompkins Kevin gives Guy Kawasaki some shit at BlogWorld, apparently. Kevin loves the Blogess. About his beginnings in comedy. Another guy wearing black. Sigh. I hate the now “Oprah, Paris or Demi” game. Horrible, all these interruptions from the crew. About watching TV shows on DVD. TWO STARS

THE NERDIST

8. Jim Gaffigan. The Nerdist crew is talking a lot in this one. How doing TV doesn’t sell a ticket (to a comedy show) anymore. The Encyclopedia Britannica of comedy. How Gaffigan writes with his wife. I’m biased by the fact that Jim Gaffigan bores the crap outta me, so sorry, I’m zoning out now. TWO STARS

 9. Mike Shinoda of Linkin Park. Chris breaks out the Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. Upping the ante on the OK Go video. How much cooler it would’ve been to be a rock star in the 70s. Do we have to do everything? Having a bowling father vs. a rocket scientist father. Is it essential to have a marketing background to be in a band? Mike was really late joining Twitter. Comparing blogs. How MSM (and band management) doesn’t understand YouTube. Warner Brothers deleted 5MILLION views on YouTube. Which can’t be gotten back. Mike “needs a little bit of privacy” (regarding Twitter). Chris: “We’ve become a culture of aggregators.” Linkin Park has its own social network. Whether it’s better to have millions of half-baked fans or 10,000 really passionate ones. Chris: “Apple is like the hot cheerleader who won’t fuck you, but you’ll carry her books anyway.” Chris would join Linkin Park if he could play melodica. Dealing with Pandora and the music genome thing. Holding onto fans when the band changes direction. The story of Smashing Pumpkins. “I’ve been on TV a decade longer” (than Joel McHale). They talk about productivity and the “4-Hour Work Week.” They talk about how they maintain their schedules (iCal and Evernote). How labels hide the way they take money from artists. Mike explains Kickstarter. Chris’ band called Sniper. musicforrelief.org for a free download. THREE STARS

10. LIVE  Blech. Don’t review live shows. Wait, there is this. Chris: “Vegas to me is a lot like a stripper pole. From far away, it looks all shiny. When you get up close, it smells like poop and sadness.” Gotta get this down. RE: Abercromie & Fitch’s new look. “You really expect to see people doing rails of coke off the folding tables, while vampires are feeding on Asian schoolgirls, while the ghost of Oscar Wilde is blowing the ghost of Andy Warhol, on the back of a unicorn with a dick for a horn, shooting rainbows onto a Project: Runway marathon.” Brilliant.

THIS WEEK IN PHOTO

001. Live from MacWorld

All of the panelists introduce themselves. About how beautiful Africa is. Alex’s Africa project. Photography “is a storytelling medium.” “Make sure when you take a photograph, that you tell a story.” “Is there a story I want to tell? Is there a memory I want to protect?” “When you have a special moment, never let it go. Follow it through to the very end, and then let it go.” “There are very few of those magic, special moments.” Alex Lindsay talks about being at LucasFilm. “Buy a lot of film, take a lot of photos.” “An amateur photographer takes A snapshot. A professional photographer takes 20.” EDFAT. Entire, Details, Focal Length, Angle and Time. An establishing shot or two. Let’s go to details. Then I’ll vary all those shots with different focal lengths. And boy, you’ve got a different story. “I’ll also play with fast and slow shutter speeds.” “It’s like a dance.” If you shoot 14 frames and you have 14 to choose from… “Look at the stuff that’s most visually rich, and concentrate on that.” “Eventually, you find yourself in a photographic place that you couldn’t have predicted.” “Once you get those diamond images, it gives you a goal to work harder.”

 002. The Future of DSLRs

Alex Lindsay in studio with Scott Bourne and Alex’s brother. A discussion of the new SLRs. “We’re getting to a point where we’re almost plateauing. What do the next generation of cameras need to have?” Regarding which camera to buy. “Any camera you spend $400-500.. is gonna do things that the top-of-the-line Nikkon couldn’t do 20 years ago.” “All megapixels are not created equal.” A discussion of bokeh, a Japanese word. “The soft background, the out-of-focus areas, produced by a camera lens.” “It’ll all sort of blur so that you can’t see really anything.” “It gets very complicated… it’s not perfect circles.” LensBaby. Whether it’s better to do it “in camera” or in Photoshop. “We’re gonna see the end of CF cards.” “We will see bigger cards, and bigger brighter viewfinders.” “…and all this stuff will just continue to get cheaper and cheaper…” “The CCD is pretty much dead. I think in the future, we’ll see more C-Moss sensors.” Nikkon vs. Canon. Being able to make a lot of photo corrections in iPhoto.

WTF with Marc Maron

118. Maz Jobrani Maron contemplates “normalcy.” Contemplating “hoarding” vs. “being nostalgic.” He’s “done with the hoarding.” He’s digging “Breaking Bad.” Being on “fart lockdown.” Guys on TV eating themselves into a stupor on reality TV. “I’m happy to help people masturbate.” The distinction between Persian and Iranian. All about the shah. Zorastrian or Muslim? The perception of Iran compared to the reality of it. “The Axis of Evil” comics. THREE STARS

119. Adam McKay FOUR STARS

 120. LIVE in Austin I hate the live shows. So there was this. One guy who was miffed that Marc didn’t remember him. One chick who makes bad jokes about her cat, who died. Fun. One stupid comic. Then a cruel comic. Then another one, talks about his parents. Marc calls this “the deepest (live show)” he’s ever encountered. (Scary.) “I like to drink.” Museum jokes. ONE STAR

121. Ken Jeong Ken talks about being a doctor as well as a comedian, the making of Hangover, and how he still has his medical license, in case this comedy thing doesn’t work out. THREE STARS

122. Jessi Klein Jessi worked at Comedy Central back in its early days and has really enlightening things to say about that, and about temping in NYC. THREE STARS

123. The Creation Museum Marc is skeptical about these creationists and this museum they’ve created to honor their beliefs. But once he smuggles a microphone in, he’s amazed at the nice package they put together. Almost has him convinced. THREE STARS

124. Paul Scheer  Marc has visited Detroit and actually liked it. Marc talks about air travel and harassing a Virgin America rep on Twitter to get a better seat. Marc and Paul discuss the wonders of TV Guide back in the day. Marc was once a clue in a TV Guide crossword puzzle. On how programming a VCR foreshadowed TiVos and DVRs. “Celebrities can only hang out with celebrities. So you find them in weird groupings sometimes.” About doing a bar mitzvah in someone’s house. About meeting Aziz Ansari and Human Giant. About working at MTV and dealing with censors. Big dad fights. Leaving an abusive relationship. Surviving divorce. THREE STARS

125. LIVE Charles Fleischer et al I hate live shows. Blech. This one’s dreadful. Burn immediately. ZERO STARS

126. A.D. Miles/Bobby Tisdale Marc talks about his gratitude on Thanksgiving. How if he didn’t create this podcast, he didn’t know what he was going to do with his life. How he’s dreading participating in the family Thanksgiving thing. How AD Miles knew Marc. How he got the job at Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. They talk about the Fallon show, and how he seems like he’s enjoying himself. How one never sleeps. The jokes Jimmy won’t do. How working in late night teaches you to not linger agonizing over jokes forever. How he met Zach Galifinakis. “I guess I’ve always been a ham or whatever.” THREE STARS

127. Aziz Ansari Marc recaps his fun at Thanksgiving. That’s what Thanksgiving’s for: “to say in your mind, ‘I’m not going to be like that.'” Aziz is allergic to cats. The craft services truck on Parks and Rec. He has a phone addiction. Marc talks about Aziz’s Indian background, and why he doesn’t use it in his comedy. Aziz is a master of the whole Google affiliate scene. Being on Rolling Stone’s Hot List. Passing out fliers for comedy shows. “Everyone passing you hates you.” The club HA, and how it took advantage of comics. “Do you want to stand in the worst part of New York, and have people hate you for a couple hours?” How working on new material puts you at the same spot as anyone else (open mics in LA). THREE STARS

128. Mike Schmidt Mike has problems parking. Marc thinks he could do half an hour on that. Mike wants advice. Marc tells him to get a director. Mike sees his peers getting much more success than he has. The “Disappointing the Fans” tour. “I’ve been on that for fucking twenty years,” Mike Schmidt. They talk about his one-man show. The wondrous Lily Von Schtupp is his producer. Maron: “I know that people relate to my neurosis.” Schmidt: “The people who listen to me root for me.” They talk about podcasting. A Quentin Tarantino burlesque. About weighing 500 lbs. and scaling back. About how with food addictions, you can’t just give up eating. Mike’s family history. Maron: “Is there a race going on?” “We get comfortable in even the worst of our patterns.” Being attacked by a possum. Fighting zombies. Who would I fuck at the bank? “Everyone’s sucking cock and getting work done.” In Chicago. Mike goes after a group of people who keep talking at a show. Marc talks about doing the “Jerusalem Syndrome.” Maron: “I gotta go to therapy.” Schmidt: “I just finished mine.” TWO AND A HALF STARS

129. Janeane Garafolo Marc talks about lighting some twisted Hanukkah candles. Janeane gets lost getting to Marc’s house. They discuss Air America. Marc: “People have pigeonholed you because of the politics, and I got that too.” Janeane: “…being pigeonholed, it does affect your career… A lot of times females who are vocal, suddenly find themselves less able to work.…. People of color and women are not afforded the same latitude and leeway of their behavior in the workplace as white males are.” “It’s not an agenda. This is our lives.” Talk about the Tea Party, and how speaking about it kept her from jobs. Janeane: “The right wingers don’t ultimately win, otherwise we’d still own slaves and I wouldn’t be voting.” Marc: “You have a certain amount of hope that good will prevail.” Janeane: “Time marches on. It just happens. We have a black president.”  J: “There will always be… small groups of people who will wield a tremendous amount of power, and do a lot of damage.” Janeane mentions Matt Taibi, Rachel Maddow, people online doing their thing. “They are citizens first. They are serving the citizens. They don’t serve their corporate masters. Their consciousness as humans overrides their workplace environment.” Marc: “I don’t think people know anymore what objective reporting is.” J: “I don’t need the news to be entertaining.” M: “Well, people do.” J: “I don’t take things at face value…. I’m going down swinging. I refuse to be bullied by a system.” M: “Let’s talk about the pursuit of happiness.” M: “Do you have any regrets?” J: “It’s much better to live in your truth than to worry about a stupid job on TV.” Janeane seems to pin her lack of work now on Air America. M: “It certainly means you have personal priorities that transcend a lot of bullshit.”  FOUR STARS

 

The Mindy Project Should Be Shelved

I do love Mindy Kaling. I love her energy and her Tweets. I love her presence on The Office.

And I was really looking forward to her new sitcom, “The Mindy Project,” on NBC.

I don’t see The Mindy Project being long for this world. Also, I think the subject would’ve fared better as a romantic comedy on the big screen than as a sitcom whose characters we want to get involved with every week.

Like those stories about Chelsea Handler (whatever that sitcom was called) and the sitcom about Whitney Cummings, this one is also too self-indulgent and self-centered. In fact, in this one, the title character is kind of a spazzy ditz whom you find a hard time rooting for (which again, would work in a romantic comedy on the big screen, not so much in someone you are going to turn in and watch every week).

The premise of the first episode is that Mindy is someone who bases her life on romantic comedies. But, not surprisingly, isn’t very good at love. She sleeps around pretty freely (again, not something mainstream America wants in a sitcom lead).

Various former members of either SNL or The Office traipse in as potential suitors. And surprise, the guy she’s going to fall in love with is right under her nose, just like any good romantic comedy.

But other than Mindy’s love life, and the fact that she has to take on a lot of patients who don’t have insurance, there’s not much of a plot there.

I took this show out of my TiVo queue after watching the first episode. Sorry, Mindy.

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One World a Letdown So Far

To be fair, this season of Survivor has a lot to live up to. The brilliance and poignancy of last season’s Good vs. Evil (or whatever they really called it) is gonna be hard to top. Battle lines were drawn with audience members, but I am (and was) quite firmly in the “religion is cool in a reality show context” camp.

I loved Brandon, I loved Coach, I even loved the eventual winner. It was all wonderful for me, almost from the first frame.

This season, dubbed, “One World,” um, not so much. In fact, almost exactly the opposite for me. The beginning of last season, sure we had a bunchy of new people, but we also had Coach’s smiling face. And Ozzy’s. And Cochran’s. And people we’d come to know and love.

“One World”? Um…  The people are uninspiring.

Then there’s the game. There is no more Redemption Island, which could be good or bad, we shall see. There are more immunity idols. OK. Good news! If you find one, you can’t necessarily keep it, which makes it more interesting.

What I had hoped for with One World is more of the promise of last season: people learning how to work together. They took steps toward that by having both teams share one beach. The teams are also divided into Men and Women. Not sure how that’s going to play out, except that so far, both sides seem really selfish and out for themselves.

It’s quite jarring to watch, after last season’s moments of peace and beauty.

Also, there was no “virtual living room” tonight. People were stupid, doing stupid, selfish things. Not sure how much more of it I’m going to watch. It’s certainly not Must Watch TV like last season was.

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Kissing Does Not Make You a Slut, and Other Bachelor Conundrums

Kissing.

Lips to lips. Maybe some tongue. Maybe even more tongue.

Ah, kissing.

What a wonderful thing (though I only vaguely remember it these days…).

Still, people have been getting just UP IN ARMS about rampant kissing. (Personally, I think you can NEVER Kiss or Hug people enough.)

But on this show called The Bachelor, folks are just crazy about it. The word that they use to describe our Bachelor Ben, who has been doing a LOT of kissing, and it’s only Episode 3 of this season is “Slut.” (They do this nonsense on The Bachelorette, too, though girls don’t usually do the rampant kissing until much later in the season.)

I have a lot of opinions about this, mostly along the lines of “Oh America, you are so prudish, get over your damn selves,” variety. Mostly they are these, though.

First of all, both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are silly shows. Totally silly. They were classy and fun at the beginning, but now they are just silly. Example: on tonight’s show (which I watch, live blog and actually pick up followers on Twitter when I do. Sigh.) they had these girls IN BIKINIS skiiing down a hill in San Francisco. (Don’t ask.)

It used to be a show about discovering each other, and who you like and maybe falling in love, and now it’s all obstacle courses and nonsense. Still, I watch.

So, for the record, I am vehemently and absolutely against all the crap that wouldn’t happen on a normal date. Like skiing in San Francisco. *eyeroll* In BIKINIS. *double eyeroll* Or, the other Bachelor de rigueur item, for whatever reason (can I PLEASE shoot the producer who thought up this pathetic crap?), they take whoever it is over some ridiculously high place, and have them “conquer their fears” together. Tonight (it was a stupidity double-feature on this episode), they had the two prospective lovers climbing up the San Francisco bridge.

NONSENSE. Stuff and nonsense and stupidity.

But I, who am spoiled on Survivor, where you actually have REAL moments and unscripted TV in a reality show, live for the REAL moments. So yeah, it was kinda cool when poor Emily is scared out of her bloody wits, and can’t walk up this stupid bridge one step further, and Ben kisses her. That was kinda cool.

Which brings me again to my point.

Kissing.

Kissing smooths out many a rough spot on the rocky road to a relationship. Furthermore, if I were faced (God help me) with a choice of roughly 30 hot hunks to choose from, hopefully to pick my husband from among them (OK, that would never happen, and if it did, I’d make the producers go back to square one about 80 times when they keep bringing in these model and actor types, instead of real men. So, OK, I could never actually be on this show.)…but let’s just say hypothetically…

I’m on the show. I must pick from these assembled 30 guys. There is only so much surface judgment one can do. Everyone looks good at the beginning, especially the way they are all trussed up like prize pigs in front of you. So how do you decide?

On Disney-owned ABC, during prime time? The only thing YOU CAN do is kiss them. You can tell a lot about a person’s kiss. Both in the doing and giving of it, and the watching. Like Ben’s favorite, Courtney. She’s favored because she’s a model and is “so beautiful.” (Men are so stupid sometimes…) So is he not noticing that when he kisses her, in front of a dramatic San Francisco skyline, she’s making sure that the camera has her best side? (Instead of, you know, KISSING HIM?)

I’m actually of the opinion that you can tell the whole relationship in a kiss. You can certainly tell if this person is going to be sexually compatible with you. Yes, yes you can.

So, I say, Ben, kiss away! Kiss freely and with abandon. Kiss every one of these girls on every show. Kiss until you want to kiss no more.

Kissing, after all, is still in the chaste category, for those who throw the “slut” term around too readily. One could kiss for days and never get pregnant.

They had a wonderful thing on this horrible episode of The Bachelor, too. Just after Ben and Emily kissed, fireworks lit up the sky above them. I’m sure it was planned and stage managed, cause that shot was perfect, but man, it was nice. I wish The Bachelor would do more stuff like that. Back to the ROMANCE of it. That is, after all, why people watch.

And if all these lame writers/producers of The Bachelor can come up with for creating romance is to have someone climb up really high above some city, then they need to get out more. Romance is all about intimacy and being real with someone.

They could, actually, take a few lessons from Survivor. Survivor’s out there battling good and evil in very real ways, just from the people they choose to have on the show. You’re telling me that no one in Hollywood knows what ROMANCE is about anymore?

Come over here, I’ll whisper it in your ear.

It’s about KISSING.

Once Upon a Time Is Magical

I spent the past weekend catching up with some of my many TiVo’d shows. (2 Broke Girls, Homeland and this one, Once Upon a Time).

When I was five years old, I took some of my favorite fairy tales and rewrote them. My mom thought it was weird. I knew in that moment, I was meant to be a writer.

I think of that when I watch this reworking of many fairy tales, with a twist. “All of our favorite” fairy tale characters are here: Snow White, Cinderella, Rumplestiltskin, the evil Queen, heck, even Jiminy Cricket. (I didn’t think Disney characters counted as “fairy tale characters,” but I digress.

The premise is this: The fairy tale characters have been transported to modern times, and they no longer remember who they are/were. Their “happy endings” have been stolen (I know the feeling!), and they need one particular woman to get them back. A shaky premise perhaps.

Why it succeeds as a TV show is this: Ginnifer Goodwin as the role she was born to play, Snow White; and Lana Parrilla as the Evil Queen. Throw in a dash of the evil Robert Carlyle as Rumplestilskin/Mr. Gold and you have ratings gold.

Well, also why it’s succeeding is because you have people who worked on Lost (producers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis) and a writer from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (one of the best shows ever on TV) (and that would be Jane Espenson) working on it. (And why have no females directed any of these episodes? Boggles the mind.

Ginnifer Goodwin is always wonderful to watch, and evil Lana Parrilla has never been better. They really make these fairy tale characters come to life. Robert Carlyle chews off huge hunks of that scenery, but is fun to watch.

The first few episodes (including the wondrous “Snow Falls”) are quite amusing. By the Cinderella storyline (“The Price of Gold”), they were kinda losing me. Cinderella was pretty boring compared to Goodwin and Parrilla. Plus, Snow White’s beloved is named Prince Charming, and there’s quite a bit of wonderful banter back and forth about that. Then Cinderella’s story comes up, and isn’t her Prince also named Charming? They kinda don’t even give the guy a name, other than “Thomas.” Um, ok.

So, they are using the bits of fairy tales we know and kind of fabricating whatever they need to flesh out their own stories. With the whole Snow White/Evil Queen thing, it’s working quite well. Cinderella kinda failed.

I mean, as fairy tales go, Cinderella is at least as big a deal as Snow White (most little girls would say moreso), and we don’t even get to see her pumpkin carriage. We go from her sweeping to her having a nice dress on, and then POOF! She’s married. And then with child.

So, if they are going to rush through the big fairy tales like this (although I didn’t mind, cause the actress was dreadful), what’s left for further seasons? In fact, Snow White’s child (Jennifer Morrison, not quite up to the acting talents of Parrilla or Goodwin) is back in town, and she’s on the mystery. So once she solves it, which could be by the end of the season, then what?

Quite unclear. Doesn’t really seem anywhere for them to go after that.

But in the best episode so far, “Snow Falls,” we discover how Snow White and Prince Charming met (and wouldn’t you know it? He’s married/engaged to someone else. (Depending on which of the time frames you are in.) Although in both of them, it’s quite clear that he’s really in love with Snow White.

Did you know Prince Charming’s real name? It’s James. The banter between them is charming, not inspid.

I really liked the show, I just hope that they get back to the Snow White/evil Queen dynamic as often as possible. That is what is truly magical here.

Who should be the new Oscar host?

So, who should we have hosting the Oscars this year? Hurry, people, time’s a wasting…
Eddie Murphy’s out (*sob*). Totally joking. I can’t stand Eddie Murphy, and he would’ve made a terrible host. In fact, all ego-maniacs need not apply, so sit down Will Smith.

It really and truly should be a comedian of some flavor, because it needs to be someone who will keep on with the funny when people are staring at him/her blankly.

It should be someone who knows Hollywood and isn’t too fanlike about it (Rosie O’Donnell can sit down). But someone who is also sufficiently deferential to it. (David Letterman can sit WAY down and take both Uma and Oprah with him.)

It should be someone who can sing and dance, so the old standbys come to mind: Hugh Jackman (busy with that Les Miz movie), Neil Patrick Harris (busy with his TV show). Billy Crystal has just done it too much. He also needs to sit down.

Someone who thinks quickly on their feet, preferably someone comfortable with improve or standup, cause stuff happens at the Oscars that you just have to be prepared for, and willing to go off script for. (Steve Martin can sit WAY down.)

While we’re at it, forget the youngsters (especially after the “talking too freely” that got Brett Ratner bounced, we have to have some older dude or dudette who isn’t going to let the wrong thing slip. Who knows the meaning of politically correct, yet is savvy enough to know who to take jabs at (and who NOT TO). Please sit Ricky Gervais down and shut him the hell up. And while you’re at it, take that drink out of his hand.

So, in short, someone who’s polite, savvy about Hollywood, works hard enough to step in to this madness quickly, someone who can sing and dance or at least tell a good joke.
My own personal short list would be this: Craig Ferguson or Jimmy Fallon (though, this being ABC, probably not likely), Dan Finnerman (from “the Dan Band”)—he would rock it!, Marc Maron, Chris Hardwick, Jay Mohr.

Women? There aren’t too many choices there. Kathy Griffin comes to mind, but she has the sassy mouth that got Ratner bounced. You know who would be a fantastic female Oscar host? Loni Love! She would rock that Kodak. And you know she looks great in some gowns.

Or maybe Ricki Lake, after she wins Dancing with the Stars, to promote her new talk show? Nah. Loni Love would be better.

Those would be my final choices: either Dan Finnerman or Loni Love.

Boy, would those be some fun Oscars. Enough with the overpriced, full of themselves celebs and young people who haven’t got a clue. These two have been around the block a time or two.

Another wacky, but perfect choice? Ross Matthews. You know he respects the Oscars enough. It may even compensate for his youth and inexperience. He’d be a great choice.

What say you?
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Let them eat cake: the Kardashian trainwreck

We already know that the world is changing in a big way. People are marching in the streets against the excesses of greedy corrupt politicians and Wall Street types.

But let me explain a bit more the world as I see it. On the one hand, we have strong fervent intellectuals who care about each other and the environment (Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Angela Davis, Marianne Williamson are among those who’ve spoken at one #OccupyAmerica protest or another.). On the other side, you can pick any antagonist: the Koch Brothers; Herman Cain, bought by the Kochs; any of the Wall Street bankers who should be in jail right now; Dick Cheney, war criminal; any of countless others.

For this article, however, I choose to focus on the travesty that is Kim Kardashian. If ever there were a Marie Antoinette among the sorry lot, she is ours.

On the one side, we have people starving because they can’t find work, living on the streets because their homes have been foreclosed, unemployment’s run out and the Republicans won’t give us any more. Many millions of you can fill in this blank. It’s too sad and depressing.

But, on the other side, we have the family Kardashian, most notably Kim, who is arguably the prettiest. One might be comfortable admiring her for her beauty if only she remained quiet and didn’t wreak such havoc on our senses.

Remember back when “reality TV” started? And I mean back in the days when it wasn’t scripted, when what was happening was really real? (Only Survivor still remains so.) For the others, we have some writers somewhere coming up with grand scenarios for our viewing pleasures, to distract us from the travesties at home. The worst, the absolute worst of these (yes, in many ways even worse than the Jersey Shore nonsense and those “Housewives”) is the Kardashian clan.

I’m not sure exactly HOW MANY shows they have on E!, but if it’s even more than one, that’s too many. They just always seem to be on the channel when I skim around. Living a life of boredom and idle richness. Getting mad at a boyfriend because he playfully pushes her in the lake when she is wearing $35,000 earrings. Mindless things like that. Supposed to, I suppose, make us jealous. In fact, it makes me as sick as those Housewives do (not that I watch either, but they do cross my consciousness FAR too much).

I suppose a Kardashian show or eight would be bad enough (and it is). But the worst, the trainwreck of which I speak that makes me want to throw up as I type this is the wedding.

Mind you, the rest of the country (if I may speak for all of you here) is pretty much living frugally, scrimping, saving, trying desperately to make ends meet. We are all about authenticity. We seek transparency in our social media and government. We speak truth to each other, cause brother, that’s all we’ve got left these days.

In the Kardashian world, it’s all made-up nonsense (well, except the part about her liking the black boys). She was (that would be Kim) was flabbergasted that people who meet her on the street “actually believe” that the stories being pumped at us by E! are thought to be true. Well, yes, cause that’s the way WE live. In our own truth.

Miss Kardashian and company, who became famous solely because their father got murderer OJ an acquital, well, and maybe because she has a nice butt, live in the Land of Denial. Everything is fake. Her nails, her scenarios and, as it turns out, her boyfriends and husbands.

Now, for those blissfully living in other countries, and missing all this Americana, let me school you. The tabloid-trash TV channel E! saw that Prince marries a commoner thing happening in England, and decided it wanted that for its very self. Cause after all, according to them (I’m so not making this up, “The Kardashians are our country’s royalty.”) Really? In what universe? Say “the Kennedys” and you could have a discussion. But “the Kardashians”? HARDLY.

Mind you, again, this is a country where people are desperate for jobs, where they know the existence of every soup kitchen just so they can get some food.

The Kardashians were gifted extravagances in the vicinity of $17MILLION + for their wedding. Kim’s wedding to some jamoke. SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS and counting. (Counting because her dress was gifted, her shoes were gifted, etc.) The $17M was just for the WEDDING ITSELF.

It was a lavish spectacle of hype, which I was so sickened by, I scrupulously avoided it like the plague. But I couldn’t help being bombarded by E!’s nonstop hype-o-rama of it. Two weeks before: Here Comes the Kardashian Wedding! Only on E!
Every day: “Bet you can’t wait, the Kardashian Wedding! America’s Royalty” and blah and blah and blah some more…

The TWO DAY SPECIAL was hyped nearly every hour. TWO DAYS to broadcast this monstrousity in its entirety. This lovefest. This joining of two fame whores in splashy E! garish union. Cameras everywhere. Other fame whores in attendance, or E! stalwarts.

Chelsea Handler, who is one of the few decent things on E!, did not attend. A member of her regular troupe of players did. Cause really, who are Kim Kardashian’s actual friends? People that E! pays work just fine.

The whole wedding got me pretty steamed. Or nauseated, depending on the day.

The after-examination as E!’s other stalwart, Joan Rivers, dished the gowns of people in attendance. Oh, did I mention? Kim had THREE. THREE wedding gowns. One for the ceremony, one for the reception. I don’t even know what the other one was for. For the hop into the limo to head to the honeymoon? Who knows? Who cares? I wish I didn’t know these stupid facts. (You can imagine how ever-pervasive this nonsense had to be: I was studiously avoiding all mention of this crap, and still I gleaned bits here and there of data about it.)

But now, 73 days later, 73 days and $17M squandered later, this marriage made in TV heaven is no more. The divorce papers are on their way. And that makes me even angrier.

I was thinking of that other reality show (the only real one left), Survivor, which this season has the evil Russell Hantz’s nephew, Brandon, fighting out between Good and Evil. In interview, he said he was “trying to reclaim his family’s good name.”

Tonight, the day after the divorce announcement, the “good Kardashian”, brother Rob was hoofing out his angst on Dancing with the Stars. He didn’t say it, but he’s doing the only thing possible to “redeem his family’s good name.” Showing the benefits of actual hard work. (As his boorish, ill-mannered sisters heckle and jeer from the sidelines, there’s Rob, who feels like he doesn’t fit in with his family.) All I can say to you, Rob, is: Good thing. They make me want to throw up.

I sincerely cannot even look at any of them anymore. Please God, make them go away.

Arrogant Maks takes aim at stodgy Len: DWTS

First, it’s a dance show based on the premise that professional dancers can make complete non-pros look good. People who’ve never before danced are all of a sudden doing dance counts in their heads and rumbaing with the best of ’em. All well and good.

They’ve got fabulous costumes and makeup (and an amazing new set this season). Lots of lights and sparkle make them look good. What they do seem to be lacking this season is some kind of director.

One who, for example, will tell the boisterous, raucous crowd, YES, even those Kardashians, to shut the hell up, because the judges and the opinion of the judges is what’s most important (at least until the public votes, anyway). Who the hell made these Kardashians so darned important? Their brother is dancing, and you see them, front row, talking back to the judges, hogging camera time. Get over it.

Same kind of beside the point nonsense went on last season when mama Palin was there to watch her daughter Bristol go WAY WAY WAY further in that competition than she ever should have. Pathetic and sad, and happily there was a public outcry that still hasn’t died down.

But, for better or for worse, and despite the screaming obnoxious throngs, we are now down to the last seven contestants. Among them, one I consider to be one of the worst (even before last night), soccer player Hope Solo.

I saw her dance last night, but I have to admit, I think she is so dreadful I was consciously trying not to watch her. Plus, I find Maks to be really sexy, so it’s easy to watch him instead.

The judges, in commenting, said it was “one of her worst dances.” Len, in his comments, noted that it was better that she’s not wearing heels, as they seem to throw off her dancing. In Len’s defense, I think this is a valid comment. She doesn’t seem at all comfortable with the “girly” part of this dancing thing.

Maks, before the judging even finished, went off on poor Len. Maks was pissed that the judges worry about something so superficial as a heel. He stormed off moments later to his on-camera interview and said, “It’s MY SHOW!”

Really? When did it become Maks’ show? Len’s been there since the beginning, too, has he not? Did I miss something? Or is it just Maks’ overwhelming arrogance?

Also in defense of Len, these contestants are, by and large, terrible. They are not dancers. The professionals try to dance circles around them, to not let the public know that they are really terrible, but they are. (Except for nearly professional dancer Nicole Scherzinger a couple of seasons ago, who rightly won the trophy. She was a joy to watch.)

And Len, by this point, must run out of things to say that don’t crush these people completely, yet accurately point out their mistakes. Hope Solo deserved (and got) bad scores for this dance. I sincerely hope that she is voted out tomorrow night. Between her bad dancing and Maks’ arrogance, they both need to sit this one out, and let some of the actually good and respectful dancers come to the forefront.

Maks should take a cue from Derek Hough. He’s been there “since the beginning too.” As far as I know, it’s “his show” too, in fact moreso than Maks, since he’s won more Mirror Ball Trophies from his dancing/choreography. You don’t see him getting all arrogant and in Len’s face about judging marks. They just try harder next week.

For that matter (although I’m currently rooting for David Arquette), I hope that Ricki Lake wins this season. She is working her butt off, and Derek is providing truly inspired choreography (something only Derek Hough and Mark Ballas seem to be able to do on this show). THEIR choreography lifts even the worst dancers into realms they could only dream of, if the “celebrity” is capable of doing it. Who knows? Maks could have fantastic choreography, that Hope isn’t even capable of carrying out. (I did really like Maks’s season with Erin Andrews. That dancing was truly inspired. And his season with Kirstie Alley was pretty fun, too. Can’t always have great partners, Maks.)

In any case, I thought Len and Maks’ little spat was really unprofessional and out of line. They need to stop and get back to the dancing.

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